The earth tipped underneath me and gravity sucked me down. Skin torn, bones rattled, muscles mashed, and pride wounded I limped away from the experience and willed myself not to cry or lose my lunch in front of the crowd that gathered. My stomach roiled and my knees ached but I made it to the car without falling again.

I had stepped out for a pace run at the gym, and the gentleman who hopped off the treadmill before me had not ensured it had come to a full stop before he got off. I foolishly did not stop to look and see whether the treadmill was safe to step onto. And down I went.

I got home with mascara-stained cheeks. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried in the car. I sniffled through the house. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear. Pain.

This fall seemed the culmination of a series of painful reminders recently that I am human. The pain in my knees was sharp and an echo to the dull ache that has throbbed inside my heart lately. I took the loss of my job so personally that the wound is only just festering to the surface. I feel the trepidation of life after graduation approaching. I can feel the limitations of my body when I run at the moment. I feel like I am constantly falling.

I count my blessings daily, and I am so happy for all the wonderful people I have in my life, but sometimes I fall.

Then I remember.

We fall, hit the ground, find the bottom of our experience so that we know how to fight to stand again, how to reach for higher ground, and scrabble and claw at the rocks until we mount the summit again.

We fall so that we know how much those highs mean to us. How much we would sacrifice, how hard we will push ourselves, to make it to the top once more.

And after we fall, after we feel that cavern floor and spit out the dust, we rise. We spread tentative wings and pray for a gentle breeze to lift us. Then we find the thermal, we beat our wings feeling strength course through us, and once again we soar. Perhaps a little battle-scarred and certainly wiser, but we shall always rise again.

We must fall in life so that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

I have fallen. Now I rise. Rise and run again.

Tell me dear reader, what have you learned from your falls? How do you pick yourself up?

And then there is one from one of the cooking goddesses herself, Julia Child: ‘A party without cake is just a meeting.’

Yes Julia, yes. Make these cookies my friend and take them to work. Watch your team meeting transform into a tea party. See the sugar-induced smile on your boss’s face. If you don’t have an office (like me at the moment) send them to work with your loved one – trust me.

Mandarin Cream Cheese Sandwich Cookies

This recipe makes about 27 cookie sandwiches.

Ingredients:

• 335g butter, softened
• 3/4 cup caster sugar
• 2 2/3 cup plain flour
• 1 cup rice flour
• 2 teaspoons vanilla essence

 Method:

1. Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla essence in a large bowl until fluffy.
2. In a medium bowl whisk together plain flour and rice flour.
3. Add flour mixture to butter and sugar and mix until it forms a shaggy dough. Tip this mixture out onto a lightly floured bench and knead until it comes together and forms a soft dough.
4. Divide this dough into two portions and wrap each in plastic wrap. Refrigerate for half an hour.
5. Preheat oven to 180C (350F) and line two large cookie sheets with baking paper.
6. Roll dough out to 5mm-7mm thickness (0.2-0.3 inches) with a floured rolling pin.
7. Cut the dough into round shapes with a 4cm fluted cookie cutter – or your shape of choice (love hearts would work well here too).
8. Place each cut out onto a lined cookie sheet. Leave about 2cm between each cookie to allow for spreading.
9. Repeat using all the dough. You may need to line a few more cookie sheets.
10. Bake for 8-10 minutes or until the cookies are lightly golden. Remove from the oven and cool the cookies on a wire rack.
11. Once cookies are completely cool make the mandarin cream cheese.

 Mandarin Cream Cheese Frosting

 Ingredients:

• 125g full fat cream cheese at room temperature
• Finely grated rind of two mandarins
• Juice of two mandarins
• 3 cups icing sugar

Method

1. Place all ingredients in a medium bowl and beat until light and fluffy. Add some more icing sugar if the frosting is not keeping its shape.
2. Spoon frosting into a piping bag fitted with a star tip. Pipe approximately one tablespoon of frosting onto half the cookies. Sandwich the plain cookies on top twisting them a little to secure them.

Saturday walk.

All that sugar definitely made for a very sweet week for more senses than taste. Here is the Nourished Life Gratitude List for last week:

Monday: The Queen’s Birthday long weekend meant a Monday spent at home with my family and my sweetheart. Then reality struck and I worked on my second-last assignment for the semester (and third last for my Master’s Degree) into the small hours.

Tuesday: Today I got to hand in that second-last assignment. I also had a chance to bake a cake for a beautiful friend (check it out here).

Wednesday: After a long and challenging day at my internship I was so grateful for a ride home with Chris. Despite the bad (really bad) traffic I enjoyed the time to relax and catch-up on our days. These are the little moments that count the most I feel. Don’t let traffic throw you out of a good mood. Crank up the radio, chat to your car-pooling buddy or just cherish a few moments where no-one can interrupt you and you can sift through your thoughts in peace.

Reading while waiting for Chris.

Thursday: Today was all about baking and biking. I baked some biscuits for Chris’s work (the recipe that I will share with you tomorrow) and then I jumped on the stationary bike for a long (40km) cross-training session while I watched Murder She Wrote and dreamed of the day that I am a full-time writer (it’s all about visualisation).

Sweaty and smiley

Friday: This week my long run was only 8 miles so after I finished I came home and had time for some baking – cookies for me this time! Then I made pumpkin soup and whole wheat cheese and herb scrolls for dinner before Chris surprised me by taking me out to the movies to see ‘Star Trek: Into Darkness’ – so, so good.

Saturday: Mum and I had a great morning at the markets. The chilly winter morning was perfect for sleeping in so we arrived a little later than usual, but I was grateful for a little more snuggle time and then time to chat with Mum. Saturday night was all about gratitude for the wonderful man that I am in a relationship with. Chris and I celebrated our six month anniversary with dinner and another trip to the movies – I am a spoiled girl. Thank you darling, I am so lucky to love you.

Stacks on stacks of cookies

Sunday: Oh…I slept in late this morning! So late in fact that I couldn’t term my first meal breakfast it had to be brunch. Chris and I played Scrabble as we woke up, I gobbled more cookies all afternoon, and my baby sister came to visit us.

You’re back. Wonderful.

Kate’s post got me thinking about a lot of things. I’m sure over the next week or so there will be more posts on here provoked by Kate’s beautiful honesty.

Today I want to talk about finding balance in a world obsessed with extremes.

Everyday we are bombarded with images and messages of the extremes ends of humanity.

Be skinny! Super skinny!

Fit your high school jeans!

Get big! Build muscle! Protein, protein, protein!

No carb! Paleo! Vegan! Raw! Gluten/soy/dairy free!

Sugar is evil!

No longer is it simply okay to just eat a well-balanced diet with a weekly treat. No, we must eat clean 24/7, cut out whole food groups, eschew macro-nutrients and eat diets that push out healthy foods because they don’t fit someone’s ideal criteria.

Even those who promote balance have developed it into an extreme form of living. You aren’t truly balanced unless you eat clean 100% of the time; drink only water, coconut water, or home-made kefir. You must make time for relaxing. You must eliminate all chemicals and toxins from your home. You must, you must, you must.

Sometimes these routines don’t seem all that balanced to me in the end.

I try to live a life of balance. But as Oscar Wilde said  “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

To which I say: everything in balance, including unbalance.

Most of the time I live a very healthy life. I don’t smoke. I exercise at least five time per week. I don’t eat meat. I rarely drink alcohol. I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit. I take care of my mental health. I have close family and friends. I read and write and exercise my grey matter. I sleep at least six hours every night. I use mostly natural cleaners and cosmetic products when I can.

But, I’m far from perfect. Far from completely balanced. Sometimes I slack off on a healthy lifestyle:

I eat too much sugar (I like sugar, and sometimes sugar is my god);

I eat too much cheese some weeks (the cheesemonger at our Farmer’s Market drives down with local produce and I can’t always resist);

I love my Maybelline mascara (best brushes ever);

I over run and forget about cross-training and stretching;

I disinfect things with high-powered disinfectant because I harbour a deep-seated fear of food poisoning (with my track record this is understandable, believe me) and other germy things;

I watch too many re-runs of old cop shows and not enough news (for some reason I crave the 80s/90s when I write – no idea why),

And sometimes I can’t stop myself from comparing everything I do to someone else’s version of ‘ideal’.

But I can’t inflict another person’s version of balance on my own life. I am trying to find a balance that works for me. Balance Amy style. Some days this looks like healthy choices all day with a super workout, time for my journal, cleaning duties, and relaxation. Some days other priorities need to come in the way of a carefully constructed balance. I have family and friends who need me more than I need to hit my fifth workout for the week. I have university assignments that come in the way of accumulating my required hours of sleep. I can’t stomach another plate of broccoli and I just really, really want some cake and ice cream.

Here I am!

Balance is about finding the ratio that works for you. You are the only expert on what it takes to live your life. Not just survive from day to day, checking things off some arbitrary list, hitting goals important to someone else – but actually living your life.

Find the core things that matter to you the most. What elements of your life help you to feel the healthiest? Not by someone else’s scale, but by yours. Take balance and make it your own. A ship doesn’t sail on tracks over the ocean. There are peaks and troughs. Pitching and yawing. Centre yourself and ride out the highs and lows of life. A ship that tilts to one extreme or another will soon capsize. There’s a lesson in that.

Find your own balance. Find your centre.

Nourish your life your way.

Dark gloomy clouds settled over Brisbane early yesterday morning when Mum set off for a tea party for one of her friend’s birthdays. I was unable to attend, but instead I sent along this almond tea cake with rosewater glaze. The lady in question reminds me of an English rose. She has fantastic tales to tell of her childhood and teenage years in England. Tales of holidays in far-off places and the various jobs she and her family have had over the years. Her father is in his nineties and still taking world trips; I believe his last holiday took him on a cruise to Canada and Alaska. Now that’s the kind of ninety year old I want to be!

I love listening to other people’s stories. One of the main reasons I have always wanted to be a writer is that I truly believe that everyone has a story to tell, and unless we write these tales down they will be lost to the mists of time. There is something fascinating about asking someone how they see the world, and trying to understand their view, how they stand in their truth, and how they choose to interact with life.

This cake is light, but moist and scented heavily with almond and vanilla. The perfect cake for a winter morning tea with a strong and sweet cup of English breakfast tea (Twinings of course). Enjoy.

Almond Tea Cake with Rosewater Glaze

I made this cake with 6 egg yolks that I had leftover from batches of seven minute frosting. You can use 3 whole eggs in their place, but the results may differ slightly and it may require a little extra cooking time. I used an 8-inch ring pan – similar tins are available on Amazon or at your local cooking store. You can use a normal 8-inch cake tin; your cake will just be a little flatter. 

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup butter, at room temperature
• 1 cup caster sugar
• 6 egg yolks (or 3 whole eggs), at room temperature
• 2/3 cup milk, at room temperature
• 1 teaspoon vanilla essence
• 1 teaspoon almond essence
• 1 cup plain flour
• 1/4 cup almond meal
• 2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

Method:

1. Preheat your oven to 170C (340F). Thoroughly grease and flour a 8-inch ring tin. Concentrate on the centre piece as you do not want to be fighting to get your cake off after it has baked.
2. Sift together plain flour, almond meal, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.
3. In a medium-size bowl cream butter and sugar until fluffy.
4. Add egg yolks one at a time and beat well after each addition. Mix in vanilla and almond essences.
5. Alternate adding flour and milk in three portions beginning and ending with flour.
6. Pour into prepared pan and smooth the top.
7. Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes or until the top springs back when touched.
8. Remove and allow to cool for ten minutes in the pan before gently turning out onto a cooling rack. Allow to cool completely before pouring over glaze and decorating.
9. For the glaze: Whisk together 2 cups of icing sugar, 3-4 tablespoons water, and 1 teaspoon of rosewater until smooth. You can also add a few drops of pink food colouring to complete the English teatime effect.

Tell me dear reader, do you love listening to other people’s stories? Anyone in particular who enchants you? 

In some other things I feel a little stifled, and no matter how much I keep chasing things down, the finish line keeps moving away from me. But, onward is the only way.

In all of this, I have had a lot to be grateful for. Here are the everyday moments that have made me grateful over the past fortnight.

Week Ten:

Monday: Coming home from a long run to snuggles and kisses from Molly.

My favourite post-run treat!

Tuesday: A muffin and tea break in the afternoon sun before heading off for my final class at uni. Only six months left to go now!

Wednesday: A stormy lunchtime scroll to get lunch. I love this city.

Thursday: Awesome writing day! First day of working on a story and 2500 words done!

Friday: Meeting a very dear friend for coffee at the yacht club. It was wonderful to catch up with you Jenny.

View from the deck of the cafe.

Saturday: Spending the evening with my wonderful boyfriend after a long day of work with my beautiful family.

Sunday: Making special Chocolate Lolly Gobble Bliss Bomb Cupcakes for Mama to take to work for her birthday.

Filled with salted caramel too.

Week Eleven:

Monday: My longest run yet in training for the Gold Coast Half Marathon – 16km. Also, I got to go grocery shopping, which I love.

Tuesday:  Some of Mum’s friends gathered around our table for a morning tea birthday party.

Pink, vanilla, and sprinkle – what else does a girl need on her birthday?

Wednesday: A great writing race for my internship, and the chance to ask the brilliant Fiona Palmer some questions.

Thursday: The scent of lime and coconut wafting through my kitchen while my Lime and Coconut Snack Cake baked.

Friday: The chance to talk to some amazing women at the Sassy Survivors meeting.

Saturday: Made some new friends at the market this morning and stocked up on my favourite citrus: imperial mandarins!

Sunday: A family (and those friends who are family) dinner for Mum’s birthday. So lovely to see everyone gathered around the table.

The grande finale – Skittles Birthday cake! Taste the rainbow.

Now, I am off to hand in my second-last university assignment for this semester, go for a challenging interval run, and then come home  and read a little bit.

Tell me, dear reader, what has made you grateful these past two weeks? Do you feel as though your life is sailing along in some places and snailing along in others?

Tomorrow – a recipe for Almond Tea Cake with Rosewater Glaze. 

She put the lime in the coconut and baked ‘em both up

So I took a break from writing and took to the kitchen. With Molly at my feet and ‘Romancing the Stone‘ playing away in the background I was completely in my moment. About an hour later after the cake had cooled and been glazed I took the first bite of its dense but not soggy cake-flesh and sighed. Perfect.

Put the lime in the coconut, and call me for morning (tea)….

Lime and Coconut Snack Cake (gluten free)

If you don’t need this to be gluten free you can use 100 grams of plain flour in place of the quinoa and brown rice flours. I do recommend hunting down the coconut flour (Aussie residents, I found mine at Flanneries) as it imparts a unique texture and flavour to the cake. Otherwise, just use a total of 150 grams of plain flour and don’t add the 1/2 cup of milk.

Ingredients:

• 75 grams butter, softened
• 1/2 cup caster sugar
• 2 tablespoons finely grated lime rind (about two limes)
• 2 lightly beaten eggs
• 1/2 teaspoon coconut essence
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 1 cup low fat ricotta 
• 1/2 cup milk
• 25 grams quinoa flour
• 75 grams brown rice flour
• 50 grams coconut flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 cup shredded coconut

Method:

1. Preheat your oven to 180C (350F) and line an 8-inch square baking tin with baking paper.
2. In a medium bowl whisk together quinoa flour, brown rice flour, coconut flour, baking powder, and shredded coconut. Set aside.
3. In a large bowl beat together butter, caster sugar, and lime rind until pale and fluffy. This mixture will be a pale ethereal green, actually quite pretty.
4. Add lightly beaten eggs one at a time and beat well between additions.
5. In  a small bowl mix together coconut essence, lime juice, ricotta, and milk. 
6. Add flour mixture to butter and sugar mix in three parts alternating with the ricotta mixture. Begin and end with the flour.
7. Spoon mixture into the prepared tin and smooth the top down. The coconut flour soaks up a lot of moisture so the batter may appear gluggy. Don’t worry I assure you that this glugginess become a dense, moist crumb upon baking.
8. Bake in the preheated oven for 30-40 minutes, rotating every 10 minutes or so. The cake is done when a skewer inserted in the middle comes out with a few crumbs clinging to it.
9. Remove cake from oven and allow to cool completely before adding glaze.
10. To make the glaze whisk together 3-4 tablespoons of lime juice and 1 1/2 – 2 cups of icing sugar until smooth. Pour this over the cooled cake.
11. Slice and serve. Whilst eating imagine yourself in a warm foreign locale lazing under a palm tree. I know I did.

Woo woo, it will relieve your belly ache

Tell me dear reader, what reminds you of summer in the grey days of winter? Are you a lime and coconut lover like me, or perhaps not? 

My beautiful Mama

June Fourth every year I get the chance to celebrate one of the most wonderful women I know: my Mama.

Although I have already spoken about the maternal wonder she is, her birthday is a chance to celebrate all the other parts that come together to create the complex and beautiful creature that is Bente Chatwin.

This day is a chance to bake fragrant vanilla cupcakes in pretty spotty-pink papers to celebrate the way you genuinely care for everyone you meet; you believe the very best of everyone you meet and give them the safe space to prove you right; you listen to their stories with respect, and have generally amazing and on-point advice to give them.

This day is a chance to pipe pink frosting on a cupcake in honour of your infectious, cackling laugh, which I can’t help but coax out of you sometimes by just being a goose. I still remember a near wheezing fit caused by Dad’s impression of Mr Bean many years ago, and a recent bout of hysterics when I decided to bump and grind in the kitchen while baking. You, of course, joined in – my first dance teacher.

A chance to adorn the frosting with multi-coloured sprinkles to commemorate the joy you bring to even the simplest everyday situations. You taught me that every day is special. Not just the holidays designated throughout the year, but the Tuesdays and Wednesdays of the year too. Every morning is a chance to take time to have a cup of tea with someone you love and use the good china. Every weekend at the farmer’s market is an opportunity to revel in the company of the ones you love. Every day is special because we are all still here, living and loving and thankful to be together for just one more day on this beautiful earth.

The Fourth of June is the day to light the candle atop that frosted, sprinkled cupcake to praise you. To praise your all encompassing love; your insatiable hunger for cop shows, paperback novels, Skittles, cuddles, and craft supplies; your faith in all of us to live our own dreams and to make them happen; to praise the way you are always there to put us together and pick us up again when we break and fall and fail; the way you make time even when you are running late so I can tell you ‘just one more thing’; the way you put aside your own needs to help another; and the way you are just a completely amazing woman.

Happy birthday Mama. I can’t wait to celebrate your birthday all over again this weekend at a table surrounded by all your children, birth and otherwise.

Here’s to all the candles, and many, many more.

I love you.

Cupcakes for Mama.

Dear reader, here is the link to the recipe I used for these delicious cakes. Decorate flamboyantly, there really is no other way.

Writing ~ Flaubert

I apologise for my absent Gratitude List, I promise a mega list next Monday. At the moment, dear friends, I am Writing. With a capital ‘W’. I feel the words moving through me and I can see the story in my mind as though it is moving in slow motion across a cinema screen. So, with the words of Flaubert echoing in my ears, I will return to the land of my characters and let the story unfold.

That someone is me, and as I reflect over my ‘read’ pile for autumn I realise that my ‘to be read’ pile has grown at a disproportionate rate. I have to say it: I am a book-buying addict. I can’t help myself. Every time I walk past a second hand book shop the musk and vanillin smell draws me in. I can’t say no, and I never stop at just one. When there are books available for purchase, and I have to choose between books and food, well…even for a very hungry caterpillar like me the choice isn’t hard. I have filled the shelves in my room, and my collection has overflowed onto the floor. I am never without a stash in my handbag, car, gym bag, desk. If I don’t get my fix for a while I become distracted, my mind focused only on acquiring the next hit.

“Hello, my name is Amy, and I am a book-buying addict.”

(Hint: your line is…)

Over the last three months, in addition to reading papers for university and countless amazing blog entries and probably more Tweets than a healthy person should, I have managed to read, and complete a few books as well adding to the pile. So, here were my picks for autumn 2013.

Never Stop Believing by Sally Obermeder. Published by Allen & Unwin, 2013.

(source)

Sally’s story captured my heart from the moment Matt White first announced on Today Tonight that Sally was battling breast cancer. I followed the news of her story, and when she released her book I bought a copy on the first day I found one. I devoured the whole thing in about two days. I cried, I laughed. My heart tingled with warmth and went stone cold when I imagined the unhappy endings her story could have had. This is one that I recommend to any woman, or anyone who’s life has been touched by breast cancer. Sally’s voice is friendly and easy to read, and her story, although extraordinary in parts is really the story of someone who strove hard to achieve her dreams and fought back from the edge of the abyss. Keep the tissue box close for this one. Sally also curates a fantastic life, style, and celebrity news blog called Swiish.

A Clash of Kings (A Song of Ice and Fire: Book Two) by George R.R. Martin. Published by Bantam, 2000.

(source)

After receiving A Game of Thrones for Valentine’s Day, and falling completely in love with the epic nature of Martin’s writing and the world he has built, I had to buy the second book. Even though it is slow going and I have the attention span of a gnat so I am still devouring this book, bite by bite. Martin creates a world that draws you in, grand in scale but with human emotion that is easy to identify with, this is storytelling. I can almost imagine sitting around a fire listening to the bards of old recount this tale night after night while rapt audiences look on. I am so glad that there are five more books in the series! 

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life From Someone Who’s Been There by Cheryl Strayed. Published by Vintage, 2012.

(source)

I am fearful of trying to put words to this beautiful little book. I find it is best enjoyed in small amounts. This book is a selection of columns written for the ‘Dear Sugar’ section of ‘The Rumpus’ (check it our here). Each column offers a point of view or way of thinking about something that causes me to sit back and consider my own view of the world. There is great wisdom and compassion (and sometimes a wise and compassionate reality check) in the way Cheryl Strayed addresses each troubled soul. This is a volume to keep on your bookshelf and turn to in times of doubt or grief or when you need a sweet voice to remind you that we are all responsible for our own happiness and the turns our life takes are, for the most part, in our hands.

So, those are the books that I have finished (or mostly finished) over the past three months since my last ‘On the Shelf’ post. What’s filling my bedside table currently?

• The Art of Romance Writing by Valerie Parv. This one is to help me with my goal of completing a romantic fiction manuscript by my 27th birthday – I have exactly 297 days remaining on my countdown!
• Life After Life by Kate Atkinson. I discovered this during my weekly BBC Radio 4 binge (podcast here) and then I heard another interview on Radio National, which caused me to spend my entire lunchtime one day reading the free chapter available on Amazon. I then messaged my favourite independent bookseller and ordered my copy. Now it sits beside my bed, ready to be cracked open very soon.
• The Wild Girl by Kate Forsyth. I am super-excited that Kate is coming along to the Writing Races I run every Wednesday night as part of my internship at The Australian Writer’s Marketplace. I am also super-excited to read this re-telling of the true tale of the Grimm brothers and the girl who grew up to marry Willhelm Grimm.
• Yesterday I also visited the library and picked up two new cosy mysteries for a quick read in between more serious works: Witches Bane by Susan Wittig Albert, and Alpine for You by Maddy Hunter – oh how I do love a cosy.

And, I think that’s about it. Of course, it isn’t nearly a comprehensive list of the sentences and words that have enchanted and entranced me over the past season, but these printed and bound works are a good selection. Now, I’m off to do some writing of my own, and then a little Friday night reading.

Tell me, dear reader, what have you been reading in autumn? Anyone else a George R.R. Martin fan, or a Dear Sugar follower?